as real as it gets
Been Awhile…

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in what seems like forever. Pregnancy has been going alright. Josh and I are supposedly still together. 

Josh… 

I love him.. but lately it’s been like everyday that get closer to my due date.. he gets more distant in ways. He’s been great up until my hormones flare because I’m so self conscious. I hate the way my body has changed. I don’t feel sexy, pretty or fun anymore. It’s just been me being uncomfortable. Saturday his friend invited him to go to the fair with him and two other chicks he was taking. It bothered me a lot. He asked but I told him to do what he wants. Saturday was also our child birth class. We cut it early because he was bored and didn’t want to stay. Got home and I was upset because he just seemed so anxious about the fair and rodeo. 

When I get upset, he asks me to talk to him… but I shut him out because every time I try explaining to him about how I feel he flips out and ditches like he did that day and just took off to go do whatever and not text/call anything until after noon the next day. How am I to know or trust that he wasn’t out fucking around? I don’t ask. I don’t say anything. I just packed my things and stayed home and spent the day with my best friend. I just don’t want to even deal with it.

He even said when he texted me that “I’d be willing to help you with your problems,” I was so cut by those words. Like he’s saying I’m just as crazy as his last girlfriend who beats her children… He begged me to come home so he could try to “fix this” because he felt bad that he just took off… I went over and he asked me to talk to him again… I didn’t think there was much to talk about- he left. What have I done so wrong that part of this is my fault? 

I’m so afraid of falling completely for him because he says he doesn’t believe in marriage. He doesn’t get the point of it. I’m a traditionalist. I want to get married, but it’s not simply for the glamour and dress and everything like his friends believe.. I just want some reassurance… I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I just don’t want to get so hurt that it takes me forever to get back up off my knees… Am I wrong? Am I doing something wrong?

And you.. bring me to my knees… again.. all the times, when you could beg you please… all the times, when I felt insecure yeah… and I leave my burdens at the door…
I’m on the outside..
I’m lookin’ in..
I can see through you..
See your true colors-
‘Cause inside you’re ugly..
Ugly like me..
I can see through you, see to the real you…
Staind
You stay the hell away from me, you hear?
Johnny Cash
I Love These Lyrics <3

Carryin’ the weight at the end of a limb. You’re just waitin’ for someone to pick you up again. Shaded by a tree, can’t live up to a rose. All you wanted was a sunny place to go. 

Pretty little thing, sometimes you gotta look up- and let the world see all the beauty that you’re made of. Cause’ the way you hang your head, no one can tell. You’re my Virginia Bluebell.

Someone please tell me this…

That he never gets over his first love completely no matter how many girls he goes through?

Purdy Flowers C:

Purdy Flowers C:

I love, love, love the outdoors &lt;3

I love, love, love the outdoors <3

Beautiful countryside.

Beautiful countryside.

Makes me wanna take a back road C:

Makes me wanna take a back road C:

Me C:

Me C: