I’m sorry I haven’t posted in what seems like forever. Pregnancy has been going alright. Josh and I are supposedly still together.
I love him.. but lately it’s been like everyday that get closer to my due date.. he gets more distant in ways. He’s been great up until my hormones flare because I’m so self conscious. I hate the way my body has changed. I don’t feel sexy, pretty or fun anymore. It’s just been me being uncomfortable. Saturday his friend invited him to go to the fair with him and two other chicks he was taking. It bothered me a lot. He asked but I told him to do what he wants. Saturday was also our child birth class. We cut it early because he was bored and didn’t want to stay. Got home and I was upset because he just seemed so anxious about the fair and rodeo.
When I get upset, he asks me to talk to him… but I shut him out because every time I try explaining to him about how I feel he flips out and ditches like he did that day and just took off to go do whatever and not text/call anything until after noon the next day. How am I to know or trust that he wasn’t out fucking around? I don’t ask. I don’t say anything. I just packed my things and stayed home and spent the day with my best friend. I just don’t want to even deal with it.
He even said when he texted me that “I’d be willing to help you with your problems,” I was so cut by those words. Like he’s saying I’m just as crazy as his last girlfriend who beats her children… He begged me to come home so he could try to “fix this” because he felt bad that he just took off… I went over and he asked me to talk to him again… I didn’t think there was much to talk about- he left. What have I done so wrong that part of this is my fault?
I’m so afraid of falling completely for him because he says he doesn’t believe in marriage. He doesn’t get the point of it. I’m a traditionalist. I want to get married, but it’s not simply for the glamour and dress and everything like his friends believe.. I just want some reassurance… I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I just don’t want to get so hurt that it takes me forever to get back up off my knees… Am I wrong? Am I doing something wrong?